For several years, I've felt as if I have an old soul. I mean that my soul is literally very old and is encompassing the body of a 25-year-old. I sometimes think my soul is from around the 1920s or 30s, but it's hard to tell.
My soul despises my generation of young people. It feels like an outcast in a society that wants everything right now and with the least amount of effort possible. It does not text, it does not use calculators, it doesn't care about iPods, it thinks most people are lazy and dumb, and it can't believe that I am writing a blog. I mean, a BLOG?! Come on! That's the soul speaking, not me.
Anyhow, I pretty much feel like I live this life of duality, and not in a good way at all. In a very confusing and alienating way. There's Amber, the physical me, the one who cares what she looks like, who actually likes shopping, who gets dressed up pretty on the weekends to go listen to live music, who likes to take care of her material possessions.
Then there's the other me, the one who does the thinking, the bulk of the living, the one who makes me feel depersonalized most of the time. That "me" (the soul, or the true self, or whatever you want to call it) is discontent with its existence, it seeks a spiritual life, it feels unfulfilled, it feels isolated from a world it can't understand, and sometimes it questions its very existence. I think therefore I am? Not so sure about that.
I know there's more to life than what I've been doing with it. I know that because I've experienced true serenity and contentment before. I've become a person that's nearly unrecognizable to me. Like, to the point that when I look in the mirror, I have no idea who that person is. I do not relate to that person who is putting on makeup and fixing her hair. I think I know how to bring my two selves together. I study Buddhism a lot of the time, and my mind completely understands the concepts of Buddhism, but something keeps me from pursuing that path in my real life. Am I afraid to face the real me? Am I afraid that I won't have this physical me to hide behind anymore? Probably. The thing that I fear the most is being alone with my "self," to face the vulnerability and meekness that comes with stripping away the outer shell of bullshit.
My soul sometimes just wants to be put out of its misery. But I just know there is more I need to learn, maybe even more I can contribute to this world, and I'm not ready to give up yet.
My soul despises my generation of young people. It feels like an outcast in a society that wants everything right now and with the least amount of effort possible. It does not text, it does not use calculators, it doesn't care about iPods, it thinks most people are lazy and dumb, and it can't believe that I am writing a blog. I mean, a BLOG?! Come on! That's the soul speaking, not me.
Anyhow, I pretty much feel like I live this life of duality, and not in a good way at all. In a very confusing and alienating way. There's Amber, the physical me, the one who cares what she looks like, who actually likes shopping, who gets dressed up pretty on the weekends to go listen to live music, who likes to take care of her material possessions.
Then there's the other me, the one who does the thinking, the bulk of the living, the one who makes me feel depersonalized most of the time. That "me" (the soul, or the true self, or whatever you want to call it) is discontent with its existence, it seeks a spiritual life, it feels unfulfilled, it feels isolated from a world it can't understand, and sometimes it questions its very existence. I think therefore I am? Not so sure about that.
I know there's more to life than what I've been doing with it. I know that because I've experienced true serenity and contentment before. I've become a person that's nearly unrecognizable to me. Like, to the point that when I look in the mirror, I have no idea who that person is. I do not relate to that person who is putting on makeup and fixing her hair. I think I know how to bring my two selves together. I study Buddhism a lot of the time, and my mind completely understands the concepts of Buddhism, but something keeps me from pursuing that path in my real life. Am I afraid to face the real me? Am I afraid that I won't have this physical me to hide behind anymore? Probably. The thing that I fear the most is being alone with my "self," to face the vulnerability and meekness that comes with stripping away the outer shell of bullshit.
My soul sometimes just wants to be put out of its misery. But I just know there is more I need to learn, maybe even more I can contribute to this world, and I'm not ready to give up yet.
Interesting. We obviously have the same exact views. I have literally taken a 10 minute period to do nothing but stare at myself in the mirror. You know the weird part? The longer and harder I stared, the more distorted the image in front of me got. Like I morphed into something that I wouldn't recognize. The reflection ultimately became almost demonic looking. My brows would furrow to the point that I looked like Angel from Buffy. I chalked it up to me being someone I didn't like and that being translated through my features.
ReplyDeleteBut it also made me realize that I can't see anybody who I love's face in my brain. I can't. I especially can't see my own. So I asked myself "Is this what self-love starts with? Seeing yourself in your brain and loving that and then you move on to caring that way about someone?" I asked myself that 4 years ago, and still can't see my face if I try to picture it. So who knows. I just know that we, as twins, will always think alike and a lot of people will never get it.